(via makemestfu)
(Source: lovequotesrus)
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So, a few weeks ago, I found out that my grandmother’s breast cancer is going to finally kill her. She’s had it three times, and this bout has only been around for a year. She is 56 years old, and far too young to die. It makes my heart want to tear itself to pieces because I moved away from Indiana instead of staying to spend more time with & get to know her better. I feel like I disappointed her in the worst possible way, not to mention disappointing my mom too. I’ve been snapping at the people I love because of all the stress I’m under.
I’m in JROTC at my high school and our biggest inspection of the year is coming up. I’ve been put in charge of quite a few things, plus helping my cousin (who is a platoon leader) control her platoon and helping all of these kids progress. I love ROTC, but sometimes it wears me thin.
PLUS, I’ve got a C in AP Literature and I have no clue how I’m going to keep up with any of my grades while I’m gone for a week.
My principal told me that he didn’t believe my grandmother was dying because he’s “a faith kinda man.” Who the hell says that to one of their students? All of my teachers have been sympathetic - why can’t he be? What the fuck is wrong with that man?
I’ve managed to slip into a bit of a depression, and I can’t figure out how to get out of it… I hate it, because it makes me paranoid and jealous and angry. I hate the fact that I can’t talk to anyone about this because they always cut me off and tell me that it isn’t my fault. I know it’s not my fucking fault - just let me fucking talk. I’ve become increasingly unhappy with my boyfriend over the last month or so too, and I don’t know what to do about that. I think it’s because of his weight. I have trouble making myself be attracted to him sometimes because he wasn’t always that big… I say it doesn’t bother me, but it’s a much bigger problem than I thought it was. I feel awful for wanting other people, and I beat myself up about it. I can’t help but be attracted to the more muscular, skinnier guys… It’s the thing I don’t have.
I also hate knowing that life is never going to get any better than this. I hate that, even though I’ll be older in a few years, I will probably have the same, if not similar, problems.
I just don’t know what to do anymore.
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My dear!
my baby, jasper♥ he’s 3 and crazy and has a nub for a tail. (:
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